Can you remember the last time you weren't worried or anxious over something? Can you remember how long those worry-free moments lasted. During the summer, I can recall times when this were true, but not for very long.
I have been a worrier ever since I was little. In fact, I've been clinically diagnosed with anxiety since 10 or 11 years old. I am an anxious person and anyone who knows me can tell you that. And it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I fully believe in God's power of healing and redemption, but I can't say I've been broken from the bondage of worrying. Truthfully, I'm not holding anything against God for that. Sure, it would be nice to not worry all the time, but if it's lasted this long in my life, I have to believe God has a reason it's still running rampant.
Whenever someone has asked me why I'm so worried all the time, I honestly can't pin-point an answer. Genetics? My Grandmother worried all the time, my Mom worries alot, maybe I'm next in line? My life circumstances? I've been overweight my entire life and was bullied when I was younger. Control? Uncertainty? I think it's a combination.
How does worry/anxiety play out in my daily life? When something happens out of the ordinary and I don't like the change, I feel a panic inside and can feel my heart beat faster and faster. Thoughts run through my mind of what ifs, what am I going to do, etc. And then I dwell on finding a solution until I do my best to solve it. Yes, I've had to give up before. And yes, things work out one way or another. So what does my worrying accomplish? Motivation? Drive? To an extent. My worrying also manifests itself into different actions. It takes my focus off of Christ, it leads me to complain, and it takes focus off caring for my loved ones. It leads to jealously, to comparison, and much more. Let's be honest, it requires a lot of time and effort.
But, Mandy, how do you reconcile worry with living a life devoted to Christ? Bam. The ultimate question. The question I still struggle with to this day. The one piece of bondage that I think holds me back from a more intimate and deeper relationship with Christ. The reigns I hold to control my life. The reigns that I will give to God, but when I don't see a solution in sight will snatch them right back as if I have a better capability to find the answer. Do I honestly think our heavenly father, the most perfect being, doesn't have a better plan than I do? No. But am I patient enough to wait for his plans? I don't think so. I've heard all the bible verses and I've read lots of literature related to this topic. From "denying Christ's work on the cross by not trusting in Him", to "not being a true Christian" and many other ideologies.
Failed attempts. I've gone back and forth giving Christ control and trusting him in order to not worry time and time again, and yet I still am at square 1. There are so many uncertainties in my life right now, that I don't know how I can't be worried. For example, paying off college debt once I graduate, getting through the nursing program at Bethel and graduating (a long road ahead), and much more. But, you know what's ironic and what keeps me going? God's brought me this far. I'm 2 years through my undergrad career (and in a huge amount of debt already) and He has proven to me time and time again (mainly through exams and school) that If I put time and effort into things and trust him, there is no need to worry so much.
When will it be enough? I feel like my whole view on life would be altered if I experienced the freedom from anxiety. I honestly, can't imagine what that would feel like. And I can't do it alone. It would take a lot of work on my part, God's grace, and the support of my family and friends. Would you consider helping me? Whether it's through suggestions, prayer, or empathizing, it would mean so much. Please message, not comment if you feel led to do so.
Blessings,
-Mandy
